Today I met face to face with an alien. It was tall, naked, and its skin was so white, shiny and squeaky and reflected the light so much it might have blinded me for staring too long at it, so I didn’t. Instead, I looked to the side and started talking to it. 

“I hate how you guys don’t have hair everywhere like humans do.”

The alien tilts its head at me, and I get the feeling it has a puzzled look on its face, though I don’t turn to check. He seemed to get a little bit stuck on the English language, so I began to explain myself.

“It’s a compliment..”

“That’s a strange way to talk”

“Yeah I suppose it is. That’s just the way we people talk. We people, and especially women, wish we didn’t grow hair everywhere all the time.”

“Why do you wish you did not grow hair?”

“Because we have to take care of it and remove it all time, so if we could just not have it to begin with it would make our lives a little easier.”

“You want to have…no hair?”

“Yeah, I mean..”

Laser beams start charging from its eyes and the alien looks right at my head.

“WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! That was not what I meant!” I wave my arms in front of it and duck to the side.

The laser beam eyes power down. “So you want to…not have no hair?”

“I don’t—what? No. I mean..yes?” I shake my head, confused, and the alien just stares, unhurried.

“How do I say this? I do not want hair…from the neck down! That’s it! Yeah!”

Its laser beam eyes power on again.

“WAIT, wait, wait—” I wave my hands around and duck to the side again. “That thing you do with the lasers…does it hurt?”

“For me, or for you?”

I gesture at myself.

“No.”

“Oh..it does for you?”

“Oh yes, very much so.”

“Oh. But…you’ll still do it?”

It shrugs. “Yes.”

“Uhm, ok…thanks, I guess?” 

I stutter for a moment and debate whether or not I am supposed to feel guilty about all this, then close my eyes and brace myself as the alien shoots the laser beams out of its eyes. The light passes through my body without any pain, and as it does, I can feel the peachfuzz slide off my arms all at once. Then, I hear a heavy thud behind me.

“MY HAIR!” I crouch down to it, holding the back of my head. “I SAID NOT THE HAIR ON MY HEAD!!!”

“You said from the neck down.”

“Yes, and?”

“You have long hair.”

“YOU FUCKER! PUT IT BACK!”

The alien says nothing, but places a hand over its stomach and bends another down to its knee.

“Hello? Can’t you put it all back?”

The words come forced out through its alien teeth, as its eyes bulge and chest heaves. “I…can…” 

“Then do it!…What the hell’s wrong with you?”

“So…so much…hurt.”

“Oh?” 

The light powers up again behind his bulging eyes, “I’m…I’m going to put it on your back.”

“Put it on my back? No, no, no—the correct way of saying it is ‘put it back‘.” 

The laser beams from behind its eyes spread out of his nostrils and become even brighter when he cracks open his mouth. 

“Wait, wait, WAIT! NO! DON’T—”

*

At the salon, the lady doing my hair got really invested in the story and started pressing for more.

“And then? And then what happened?”

“And then, Gen, that’s how I ended up here!” I throw my arms to the side and she drags her electric razor across my back. The buzz of the razor muffles the thuds of my hair hitting the salon floor, and when I get off the chair I have to step over heaping mountains of it—bigger than a pair of fat toddlers and their parents. “I don’t know where that damn alien went, but for all I care you can now call me Chew-becca.”

“Well, It’s so kind of you to be donating all of this!” the lady says sheepishly, ”It will really help those in need, and…and your picture will now be on our wall of fame of donors…”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever…same time next month?” 

“Same time next month!”

“Great…thanks.”